I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
