I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
