see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
