If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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