i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
