I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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