low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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