Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He kissed a someone with a penis
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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