I like to think it a success when the cops are called
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
