Old men and throwing up are my life now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
