My liver just broke up with me...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
