My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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