I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
