I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
