Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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