I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
God, I missed his penis.
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