When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
MIDGETS
????
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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