dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
