Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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