my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
