You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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