I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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