We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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