I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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