I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
