Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
