Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
