she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
