I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
