Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
