nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
