people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You have to summon your inner elephant
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
