fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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