Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
