Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
