obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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