I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
