Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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