Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
