There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
