I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
