You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dicks are not precious.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
