You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
