tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
