mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
