now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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