I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
