If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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