Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
