So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
