alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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