You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
