I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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